I took these photos 1 week postpartum. Tomorrow the boys are two weeks old. It took me an entire extra week to be comfortable enough to say that I’m not comfortable with this body.
The funny thing is, its not at all my postpartum flabbiness or belly that I’m not comfortable with. I still have an insane amount of guilt over the premature delivery of our babies. I look at that body, and instead of feeling pride in what its accomplished, my overwhelming feeling is disappointment. I am getting close to feeling proud, but the scale still mostly tips towards disappointment.
And with this disappointment regarding my body’s inability to maintain my pregnancy until term comes an insane amount of guilt.
They say Mom guilt kicks in as soon as you have the baby. I’d beg to differ – it starts as soon as you find out you’re pregnant. The minute you see the positive test, you worry about everything, and take the blame if something goes wrong – even if its completely unrelated to anything you did. Since the minute I was put on bedrest, I felt guilty. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to us? Then, when the babies came early, my guilt only intensified. Why couldn’t I carry to term? I’m so sorry I couldn’t carry to term.
I have guilt I put my babies through this. Every time an alarm goes off in the NICU, I feel guilty. Every needle poke, blood draw, blood pressure reading. Every time they cry, and I can’t pick them up to comfort them. Every time they cry, and I’m not even there. I feel guilty for all of it.
I have guilt I put my husband through this. I feel guilty that he doesn’t get to see his sons everyday because they’re not home. I feel guilty he has had to drive me around after my c-section. I feel guilty he can’t hold them or comfort them whenever he wants.
I am trying not to house these feelings, because I know my babies don’t hold it against me, and I know my husband doesn’t either. I’m trying to just be proud of what my body and I have accomplished. Proud that at the very least, I can provide breastmilk to my babies. I can be as attentive while I am there. And I know the Mom guilt will really never go away, and that it just might vary in origin. I just hope that soon I can sway away from my guilt to truly enjoy my sons and my husband as their father.
I’ll keep you all posted. Thanks for letting my vent, blog world.